OK so to start off, i've had a lot of ups and downs in my life, i honestly can't even start where i left off at BUT i will start off somewhere near the beginning.

Once upon a time, i had a boyfriend in Ocean city, i lived with him, felt he would never grow up, he kicked me out when his landlord found out me and him weren't the only one's living there. I moved to to my current hometown lived in a hotel that was taking above and beyond my paycheck and had to ask my parent's for money every week just to keep my head afloat. No car at the time but at least there was a roof over my head.

Fast forward... i  am now renting a room still have no car, my computer died, and more recently my mp3 died. it was six years old so kinda expected it but still i'm left with no entertainment unless i'm at the college in the library with my headphones plugged into the computer.

I have gone back to church, and even joined as a member, also joined the choir. I love to sing so joining the choir was exactly where i knew i could do what God gifted me with. There are other ministries i could be apart of i'm sure but the one i know for sure i can do and will use is my voice.

I am going to college for music and will hopefully be going to a music college in TN once i get enough credits to transfer.

Mini post

So, it's been quite some time since i last posted.

I have been getting my life on track, I'm currently in college majoring in Music since it is my passion and hope to have a degree in Music performance once i am done.
I am in the process of getting a car which is a huge step for me and once i get that i will be getting myself a place of my own and get out of that room i'm renting. It's been a long hard struggle but God is getting me where He wants me and shaping me to the person He wants me to be.
I have recently joined a church and the choir and i could not be happier!

I'll make a bigger post next time i am online but for right now this is it :)

Mood Swings.

I've been very angry today. I think it's because of all the stress i'm under to keep my head above water.

I recently transferred from one store to another and i worked last Sunday for the new store but i haven't gotten paid for it yet. So other than that i got paid for the rest of the week but it's not enough for me to survive especially since i have to pay every week just to live where i am.

I'm stressed on other points though, I have cats to feed and take care of in general and also i have to do laundry at some point but it seems like its always between that and feeding myself and my boyfriend until he gets some money to help out. Then it turns out i just wash my clothes in the sink instead of actually really washing them. So the cats stay fed and then we stay fed.

On another note. Something that has been really bugging me for awhile and i just can't get around to saying it to her. My best friend still has feelings for my boyfriend. She and i had discussed things much earlier then when he finally asked me out and she had told me that [when] he asks me to just go for it because she would rather him be with me than some b****.

At first when i talked to her after we got together she wouldn't really talk to me then she would and she would say how its better or how she doesn't want to talk about it even though she's the one that would bring it up.

Now, every time we talk even though she has a boyfriend, she's for some reason still "getting" over mine. In my view though, if she's still getting over mine then she shouldn't be with someone else and trying to love them. It's not fair to them and not fair to herself. I can't stand it any longer and when she asked me what was wrong last night it took everything in me not to tell her off. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know if the next time we talk i can keep myself from saying something.

no more

I love how people who i thought i considered friends just keep using me.

They know i'll be there for them, they know if they need money and i can help them out that i will.. but now i'm in my own little funk and the only people i can count on to be there for me are two of my sisters, my bf, and my parents.

One friend who considers me a sister owes me about $200, an ex-roommate of mine also owes me $200, and another friend owes me about $30. And considering my situation right now and the people that are involved i probably won't see that money ever again. Everyone else that asks to borrow money from me pays me back promptly! These people have taken their good old time to pay me back. And not even attempting to at that.

The one friend told me she had to pay a bill that was 100 something bucks so she didn't have the money to pay me when i had asked for it the first time yet she had 400 bucks on her person!

Hopefully i will be able to get this money from these people. If not i don't think i can really do anything because it wasn't documented. However the one person i know for a fact i'm going to drop as a "friend" i've been knowing for awhile i should but i can't take the stress she puts me under anymore.

If it's not this money issue it's the fact that she still has feelings for my boyfriend but she won't openly admit it. And frankly i'm just tired of hearing it. She has a boyfriend she shouldn't have feelings for mine. It's one of those situations where she'll tell me how great her boyfriend is and how much she loves her boyfriend but if i say something like that she just doesn't want to hear it because it hurts her too much. And when she hangs out with me she has to constantly say "oh it's getting better" when in reality i know it's not if she has to keep saying it. See at first when i started dating my boyfriend i could stand to hear this stuff but now, it's getting super annoying to the point where i want to bite her head off.

Musings.

Over the past few weeks i've been thinking about becoming a hermit-ish person and doing some seriously deep study through several different religions... I don't know what really brought this on but it's starting to be one of those things i REALLY have an undeniably STRONG desire to do.

Normally when i want to do a study on a certain religions it's because i want to see what is so attractive about such a religion... But right now i don't know why i wanna do it...i think it's an underlying "Need- to- know" type thing.. Cuz i'm one of those people if i have a weird question or just a question in general that someone can't supply me with the answer with i'll go find the answer myself. And it's been happening a lot lately to the point where it's kinda creeping me out.

Besides that i've discovered another thing about myself that i never put together... I'M OBSESSED WITH EGYPTIAN ROYALTY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now Obviously i'm not DEEP into it i probably will be at some point but who knows how far... i'm more into the more well known royals i.e. Cleopatra, Nefertiti, King Tutankhamun, Ramses II... etc. But dang... everytime there's a special on television about them or there's something in the paper or what not i've just GOT to have it!!!

Likewise with British royals... and no i'm not talking about the current ones.. I'm talking about the ones during the Tudor and Victorian reigns. And it's one of those things if i decide to do this study in those other religions i'm going to likewise probably go into the history of the Egyptian and British Royals.

But obviously i've got to have another source of income for all this if i'm going to go into seclusion.. So i've been looking into at home jobs.. even avon O.O and i've yet to decide on anything but once i do...and i'm successful i'll be ready to do what i feel this strong need to do...

Too Much For Me To Handle.

I've never prayed so hard for an animal to be kept alive in my life!

See, even when i was a child i never prayed THIS hard. Writing this down in a blog seems the only thing thats keeping me calm. That and the fact i just got out of the hospital yesterday at noon and just got back here at this hour. (2 a.m.) And my heart rate keeps pullin me back to reality every time i get too excited.

This kitten is only about six weeks old, has the cutest patterns on her, and is just overall very loving... she follows Betty and me around every time she see's us. But now it looks as if she might very well be dying. Seeing her so limp and fading was too much... i broke down... like seriously i was... and still might end up, going hysterical. And that mainly because it brought back memories when i was trying to raise a baby animal that was even younger than this one and it had died five days later. I'm surprised no one slapped me as hysterical as i was becoming. Fortunately, my friend Lucas, and my boyfriend, Adam, both kept their heads about them and they're on their way to the emergency vet hospital right now... if not already there.

I would have gone if Lucas had not thought it best for me to stay behind because of my unsettling emotions. I mean seriously i couldn't help but freak out half the time... and generally, i wasn't any good to them in my, then, present state.

I cried floods and prayed to the point where praying silently wasn't an option anymore... it's like i had to make sure God heard me. It's just too painful to keep silent about... Lucas nearly had to shake me to get me to calm down.

i never thought a day that had started so well would have come to such agony... I might be finalizing what may or may not be ready to happen but i would rather be pleasantly surprised to see this kitten better in a day or two than to not expect the worst.

(Note: for those who are wondering why i mention the supposed age. It's because this kitten was rescued by Lucas, who saw her ALMOST get hit by a car. So she's very special to him and Betty mainly, she's small as my hand and it burns a hole in my heart to see her so weak.)


I'll update later when i have more info to share.

My day

So, today, or rather yesterday... has been a very lazy day. It was my day off from life so to speak... no work, no friends, no nothing but myself and a good book to read while i waited for the day to end.
Now on that note i didn't, in fact, read books all day. As most know i'm a fast reader and can get quite bored once i've gone through every book i've read. And also, as most know, even though my books are scattered in different places of my room, if i were to have the proper shelves for them instead of having to pack some away due to space issue's i would have a decent sized library formed in my room.
Anywho, back to the subject at hand. So as i was saying, i didn't read books all day I ended up watching a few movies... First one up was "A Beautiful Mind" which i must say was an awesome movie in and of itself and could have satisfied my entertainment tastes if the movie lasted the full of my day. That is just one movie i could watch again and again and never tire of it.
The next movie on the list was "Constantine" i happen to like horror movies and this, while i dont categorize too much as horror was a good outlet for me for the moment.
As is with any horror movie i always end up less scared than i probly should be of it.
Next up was my Sister in Law's movie "Sweet Home Alabama" She had come home from work and i was being nice and lettin her choose a movie... she ended up letting me choose from a bunch of movies she picked out. I love that movie i really do, even though i go for more of the horror genre "Sweet Home Alabama" is a really nice movie.
Then last but not least was my all time favorite movie "Showboat" it was one of the few movies that can continually keep me crying each time i see it. On top of that i like musicals and i like classic movies and this fits in to those two categories perfectly. I can almost remember all the songs on this movie.. It's so very wonderful.
Anyway, i need to start up writing my book again. I had a really nice plot for it but it got messed up because i was basing it on something that got messed up so now it just sits there unwritten and unloved. I need to get motivated again to writing it because i'm sure it would be just one of those books that everyone who's into the vampire genre would love.
I still have not published my first book... i want to but i think i'm definitely going to have to go over it again because its too "corny" to go into the teen section, yet it is also too "teen" to go into the children's section. this is what i get for writing a book when i'm just crossing into my teen years LOL... Now that i'm an adult though and have had so much more experience than at that time i think i could now rewrite that book to the desire of my heart and then get it published...

One book at a time though, i have a nasty habit of writing three to four books at once and though i could keep it sorted, things would go so much simpler if i was working on only one.
*sigh* yes... thats what i shall do.